Categories
Ramblings

The Fear List

Since 1993 I’ve been keeping a fear list. A list of quotes, sayings, and proverbs about fear. Here’s what I have so far:

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

—Spanish proverb, from Strictly Ballroom

A ship is safe in harbor, but that is not what ships are for.

—Rear Admiral Grace Hopper

I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing… Only I will remain.

—Frank Herbert, Dune

Some weakness can be cast out by denying its existence, but most weakness must be acknowledged and analyzed to benefit from the application of logic and positivity. Acknowledged but not accepted. So when those moments of weakness come—and they will—I am prepared to look at them, not away.

—source unknown

I have no fear, for fear is the little death that kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.

—dune.wikia [citation needed]

Hope is not a strategy.
Luck is not a factor.
Fear is not an option.

—James Cameron

People don’t fail. They just stop trying.

—source unknown

I’ve failed over and over in my life, and that is why I succeed.

—Michael Jordan

You don’t become great by trying to become great. You become great by wanting to do something, and then doing it so hard that you become great in the process.

rule #896 of XKCD

Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back

—graffiti on the side of a trailer

To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.

―Joseph Chilton Pearce

Run towards your fear.

—source unknown

Your inner critic is just the manifestation of your fear.

—source unknown

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

—from “Our Deepest Fear,” by Marianne Williamson

The way to move forward is to let the monsters be seen and the scary voices be heard.

—Amber Rae, Choose Wonder Over Worry

Sometimes, people who are invited to express themselves freely will react with feelings of paralysis, fear, and intimidation. … The cocoon is spun partly from fears of self-disclosure. … If we allowed our simple essence or ungroomed emotions to show, we might look foolish, vulnerable, or unattractive.

—Shaun McNiff, Trust the Process

Some people are unable to surrender to aimlessness because they fear losing themselves and don’t realize that the structure of the art material or the limits of the physical space will always act as container for our expressions.

—Shaun McNiff, Trust the Process

Categories
Ramblings

2018 goals: midpoint

This is the halfway mark. Not much has changed in my initial goals, but I still feel like I’m making decent progress. Additional things have popped up that I’ve had to address, above and beyond my personal goals, so in one sense that may be slowing me down, but in another I’m pretty pleased with being able to address everything that I have. Regarding my more artistic personal goals, I’m sharpening my tools and about to get to the real work. Here’s the current status of my 2018 goals…

By the end of 2018 I’d like to have:

  • Painted 50 paintings: Expected: 24; Actual: 0, because I can’t get out of my own way.
  • Ran a cumulative 1000 miles: Expected: 500; Actual: 107 miles, although I’m 400 miles behind I’ve still got time to make it up.
  • Written 50 blog posts: Expected: 24; Actual: 21.
  • Posted 12 videos on YouTube: Expected: 6; Actual: 0, but there will be video soon.
  • Created a portfolio of 12 graphic design works: I have 2 designs, and more to be completed. Will post them soon.
  • Practiced the trumpet for 50 hours: Expected: 0; Actual: 0.
  • Run a 5k race in under 24 minutes: Expected: By end of Q3; Actual: ?
  • Run a marathon in under 5 hours: Expected: November; Actual: ?
  • Lifted 1000# in the big 3 lifts: Expected: not yet; Actual: I’ve started lifting again.
  • Settled my remaining SF/F/H debts: I’ve written an apology letter.

Projects I’d like to complete this year:

  • Launch a new SF/F/H online magazine with an associated podcast: still trying to sync up with potential host; launch in Q3.
  • Edit and publish one anthology/collection: in the queue.
  • Create and publish a mobile app: v1 requirements are being worked on.
  • Write and submit a technical article: no, but I know what I’m writing.
  • Write a fiction story: no.
  • Write one non-fiction book: no.
  • Write a novel: no. I think I’ll schedule this for NanoWriMo in November.

Additional notes for the past three months:

  • I’ve pulled myself away from my intended path in Art History. I felt a great need to attend to tackling the creative theory books on my list.
  • I’ve skipped ahead a bit in Art History and read a few books on M.C. Escher. I guess I’m having some nostalgia for college. I absolutely love Escher.
  • I’m still working on Vasari’s The Lives of the Artists. Taking it slowly.
  • I’ve created a page called A Very Artistic Library to list out the most useful art books I’ve found so far.
  • Tackled some integration between Facebook and some of my existing sites. There’s a Space Western Magazine page that I’m experimenting with. Other pages for other sites to follow.
  • I’ve launched a journal to explain my attempts at raising money to help fund my daughter’s college education at How Am I Going To Pay For This?
  • I’ve been teaching my daughter web design, and she’s been doing light HTML work to earn money for school. By the end of the summer I expect her to be doing CSS and design.
  • At work I’ve had to up my development skills. I’ve read a plethora of Web Performance books and watched over 100 hours of Web Development classes. I have even more classes to watch next quarter.
  • Have a small list of technology projects to accomplish.
Categories
Ramblings

2018 goals: first 3 months

The bitter cold and late snow has slowed me down in some of my goals, but it’s still early enough to make gains. Here’s the current status of my 2018 goals…

By the end of 2018 I’d like to have:

  • Painted 50 paintings: Expected: 12; Actual: 0.
  • Ran a cumulative 1000 miles: Expected: 250; Actual: 42 miles.
  • Written 50 blog posts: Expected: 12 Actual: 7 (with 4 more in the chamber).
  • Posted 12 videos on YouTube: Expected: 3; Actual: 0.
  • Created a portfolio of 12 graphic design works: I have a list, I have thumbnails of some of the items in the list, and I should start churning them out soon.
  • Practiced the trumpet for 50 hours: Expected: 0; Actual: 0.
  • Run a 5k race in under 24 minutes: Expected: not yet; Actual: Race season just started.
  • Run a marathon in under 5 hours: Expected: not yet; Actual: Race season just started, but I feel good about his after the Love Run in March.
  • Lifted 1000# in the big 3 lifts: Expected: not yet; Actual: I will get there.
  • Settled my remaining SF/F/H debts: working on it.

Projects I’d like to complete this year:

  • Launch a new SF/F/H online magazine with an associated podcast: gearing up in Q2; launch in Q3?
  • Edit and publish one anthology/collection: in the queue.
  • Create and publish a mobile app: v1 requirements are being worked on.
  • Write and submit a technical article: no, but I know what I’m writing.
  • Write a fiction story: no.
  • Write one non-fiction book: no.
  • Write a novel: no.

Additional notes for the past three months:

Made some minor updates to several of my existing sites.

  • Read ¾ of the Art books that I had set aside at the beginning of the year.
  • I’m about to tackle Vasari’s The Lives of the Artists. It’s dense, and I want to wring everything out of it that I can. It might take me most of the rest of the year to finish this.
  • Began refocusing on some technology.
  • Began addressing some smaller technology projects.
Categories
Ramblings

2018 goals

It’s 2018. I’m alert and active again. Who knows how long it will last?

Here’s a written account of what I promised myself I’d attempt to get done this year…

By the end of 2018 I’d like to have:

  • Painted 50 paintings
  • Ran a cumulative 1000 miles
  • Written 50 blog posts (49!)
  • Posted 12 videos on YouTube
  • Created a portfolio of 12 graphic design works
  • Practiced the trumpet for 50 hours
  • Run a 5k race in under 24 minutes
  • Run a marathon in under 5 hours
  • Lifted 1000# in the big 3 lifts
  • Settled my remaining SF/F/H debts

Projects I’d like to complete this year:

  • Launch a new SF/F/H online magazine with an associated podcast
  • Edit and publish one anthology/collection
  • Create and publish a mobile app
  • Write and submit a technical article
  • Write a fiction story
  • Write one non-fiction book
  • Write a novel

    …and a number of other projects that seem to be either too presumptuous or too crazy to post about them yet.

    Will I get it all done in 2018? Probably not. If you accomplish all of your goals in a year then they probably weren’t big enough. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing!

    Categories
    Ramblings

    Alive.

    I’m currently entertaining existential and nihilistic thoughts. Chalk it up to too many years of thinking too hard. I have a great family, great friends, great career, great coworkers. I’m a happy and optimistic nihilist. Digging up the past; looking forward. Trying not to hold myself back. 

    I don’t even know if I want to share my inner thoughts. There’s a certain strangeness in the process of unblocking yourself. I feel like I’m physically dragging my creative self out into the lime light. It doesn’t want to be there. I know it needs to be. That’s a coping device to deny pain and ward off vulnerability. Not that I’m in any great pain.

    I can’t say anything more than: the purpose of life is to be alive.

    So, as long as I can, I’m going to wake up every day; love my family; get some exercise; paint a little; and make some jokes. I’d do some dabbling, but I just don’t think I could stick with it.

    Categories
    Interviewed

    Interviewed about Containment by John Joseph Adams

    Because I’ve been making updates to Containment and trying to get it filled up with next year’s conventions, I happened to stumble across an old interview that John Joseph Adams did with me on Tor.com: Convention Finder Makes It Easy to Plan Geektastic Getaways. I had completely forgotten that I did it.

    Backstory: in 2008 John Joseph Adams (hugo award nominated editor/anthologist, for those who need a clue) mentioned on his blog that he was looking for a list of conventions that was searchable by ZIP code. I stepped up to the challenge and had a working version shortly thereafter. Containment was born. John then interviewed me which helped get the word out about the new site.

    Seeing this interview made me realize that I’ve been interviewed quite a number of times. I’ll have to track down all of my previous interviews and put up the links.

    Categories
    Ramblings

    Why blog, why now?

    Blogging has been around at least since 1997. The actual term “blog” wasn’t coined until 1999. In 2004 it became Merriam-Webster’s #1 Word of the Year. I even took a stab at a journal on LiveJournal, mainly to keep in touch with friends and writers who were already on it, but I lacked the desire to continually publish entries and it has since become a place for people on LiveJournal to follow my various projects (including this personal blog). After having left this blog lie fallow for a short time I’ve decided to try to post more often, on no particular set schedule. So, why did I wait so long to create a personal online journal, let alone decide to publish regularly? I have a tremendous lack of ego.

    I thought long and hard about what I wanted this space to be; why I needed to create it; why I should devote time to this rather than other projects that are continuing to languish.

    When I was 12 years old, I was a young man with a certain fondness for science and science fiction. I don’t think I was your typical introvert, but it was a tremendous achievement for me to get past my shyness. When I did it, I attacked the problem in my usual fashion: I overcompensated. In my first year of high-school I joined band and drama club, and by the following year I had joined choir and ran for (and was elected) student council president (being the youngest student council president that anyone could remember). I made myself very outgoing, and this continued through my college years (DJing for WLHU, acting in stage plays).

    So, now I’m doing the same thing for my humility. I’m being more aggresive in putting myself out there. I don’t believe that what I think is really going to change your life. I don’t believe that you really care about my opinions, my past, or my future hopes and dreams. This isn’t about you…

    It’s all about me.

    I’ll be posting what I feel needs to be posted. There probably won’t be any underlying theme to what you’ll find on this blog in the near future. What you’ll be treated to here is whatever frivolous, inane thoughts that cross my mind and occasional updates about what projects I’m working on. There will be no attempt to be entertaining for you. In fact, you will very likely be bored with the minutae of my life. If you get annoyed that I’m posting too much about fitness/health/diet or that I’m mucking around too much with one particular project—don’t complain, you’ve been warned.

    Categories
    Ramblings

    Getting my house in order

    You deserve an explanation. An explanation as to why I haven’t, among other things, answered an e-mail, called a friend, attended a convention, or updated any of the fiction markets that I operate (and/or other websites) in quite a long time… I bought a house.

    This is a good thing! I haven’t died; I’m not sick; I’m not stuck in a major depression (just a little ennui). It’s just that I’ve become utterly unreliable for everything outside of my family, my day job, and the house. Overall my priorities shifted a bit and my fannish/freelance enjoyment took a back seat. Until this past weekend when I attended The Steampunk World’s Fair, I hadn’t been to a convention since Balticon 2010 (last Memorial Day). I haven’t played Dungeons & Dragons with my regular group, my childhood friends, in quite sometime. I haven’t kept up with my e-mail, often going weeks at a time avoiding it. I’ve got a long, long list of things I haven’t done or kept up with.

    I have been working hard at a demanding job as a web developer at a major financial institution. I have been enjoying quality time with my family, including game nights, carnivals, birthdays, etc. I have been exercising regularly, eating right (probably not in the way that you think) and improving my health. So, personally, things have been going well for me. I almost wish I had a crushing depression so that I’d be able to excuse my utter neglect of everything else…

    Thaumatrope is closed. Announcements to this effect and changes to the website will appear (when the stars are right). It is very likely to reopen in the future. Outstanding payments will be sent out. The site will remain online, and the stories will remain available. I’m planning on publishing an anthology.

    Everyday Weirdness is closed. Announcements to this effect and changes to the website will appear (again, when the stars are right). It is somewhat likely to reopen in the future. Outstanding payments will be sent out. I’m planning on publishing an anthology.

    Space Westerns is on hiatus. It will reopen. I still have big plans for it. The website redesign is stalled, but when it launches (soon, always soon) that will be the first sign that things are happening on that front. When it returns in full it will return with big guns.

    Containment is being updated. If there are conventions in your area that you think should be on it, either add them or let the proper people know about the listing service so they can add their info.

    So, I’m starting to be able to be active again. I’ll have more detailed posts about the markets soon, but if anyone has any questions, just let me know.